Tag Archives: self

Leaving Hell: Choosing Peace

I have an anger problem. If I’m in a hurry to write something down and grab a pen empty of ink, the pen becomes a knife, and the paper, forever scarred with furious invisible scribbles, my victim. I curse, hurl the useless pen out of my sight, and reach for another. Heaven forbid the second pen fails me. Then it’s the apocalypse.

Why can’t things just go the way I want them to! WHY?!

But that’s such a small matter, you say. Doesn’t mean you have an anger problem. Oh, how I wish it were so. Make me wait a second longer in a checkout line, and unintelligible mutters of impatience pour out from my mouth. Drive too slowly in front of my car, and I make it my mission to switch lanes, speed up, and take the space in front of you. When I succeed, I cackle evilly in triumph at your bewilderment. Make a mistake when I have give you instructions, and my nose flares up, eyes get super wide, and my voice becomes loud enough to disturb the deaf as I complain about how you messed up.

It’s about the small things in life, all of it accumulating to transform into a stampeding wooly mammoth set on fire. I snap at my laptop, fellow drivers and pedestrians if I’m driving, my brother, mother, father, friends—everyone and everything. No one and nothing is safe from my wrath, my pain. My hell. Not even myself. And I receive a good dose of anger from my inner thoughts. I want to escape, but I can’t so I get angrier and angrier. It’s terrible.

I was in the car with my brother today and I chewed him out for making a wrong turn and skipping a gas station I specifically told him to stop at. He turned to me and said, “Carla, I don’t know what your problem is. For the past six months, you’ve been…I don’t know the word for it. Super aggressive.” That shut me up right away, and I sat in the passenger seat, ashamed and pensive.

I knew why I was angry. It had nothing to do with him or anything or anyone else for that matter. I was angry about being rejected from several PhD programs I had wanted to enter. Still angry. I thought I was over the rejections, but I wasn’t. I was supposed to be in California, living on my own and studying and researching what I loved. But I wasn’t. I was still in Boston. Living at home. And underemployed. And I was angry. Mostly at myself, but I let my anger and disappointment spill on everything and everyone. I didn’t want to be this way. I wanted to live in peace. To feel peace. I hated how I sapped joy out of my daily life and made the people around me miserable when it was no fault of theirs. I needed to change. So, I came up with five things to help me leave my hell behind and choose peace.

Stay tuned for my next post, 5 Things I Did that Helped Me Choose Peace.

While you wait, talk to me. Do you have an anger problem? Do you find yourself snapping for little to no reason? I want to hear about it!

Stay amazing,

Sammy

Ice cream. The antidote to this thing called life.

Letting go of the Future

It’s hard. I know. Worry. Anxiety. Doubt. Confusion. Maybe even desperation and a dash of hopelessness. It’s a soup with terrible ingredients and yet we still gulp it down as if we had no choice. Eat or die. Gun to our heads. Trickling tears.

Our minds sometimes float away from our grasps and slip right through our fingers like water. They take on a life of their own and think whatever they want, despite how many times we try to move our minds here or there. It’s frustrating. And we give up too easily and let our thoughts roam in places of hurt: points of failure, missed chances, wrong decisions, past mistakes, lost loves, disappointments, verbal vomit from people who have no idea about the truth and so on and so on.  It’s a never-ending spiral to darkness that is a second skin right on top of us.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Of course not. Letting go isn’t some mysterious art. It’s accepting a way of being.

I read some things and realized something: I need to let go of the future. Now, before it’s too late.  I don’t want to keep thinking about what will happen next. As long as I’ve done my part, I’ll take notice of the moment that’s right in front of me and swim deeply in it. The future looms with possibilities as countless as the stars above. I don’t want to waste time counting them. I’ll just enjoy the view up above and bring my gaze back to earth to enjoy the people around me.

To live. Smile. Laugh. Make someone laugh. Help someone. Be there for someone. Exercise. Learn a new language. Be happy for no reason at all. And to fight, fight, fight. And never give up no matter what. I sense more good things than bad so I’ll hold on to these feelings as I go about my day and allow myself to be a better person.

How about you? How do you let go of the future?

 

Stay amazing,

Sammy

 

 

Don’t Kick the Chair by Dia Frampton Feat Kid Cudi

Really love this song for it’s great lyrics.

Have you ever felt like everybody’s watching
Waiting for you to lose
Have you ever felt like you’re living in a spot light
Searching for the real you
Tell me have you ever woken up
Just to wish you could close your eyes
Getting hard to find a friend in a city like this
Where you can’t even trust a smile

There are lonely nights when you see no hope
And you’re feeling short of breathe
Like the whole damn world is a braided rope
In a noose around your neck

[Chorus]
Don’t kick the chair
It’s gonna get better
Don’t kick the chair
It can only get better

[Dia Frampton – Verse 2]
Have you ever felt love, really really felt love
The kind that could save a life
But right before you know it you find out in a moment
You’re gonna have to say goodbye

There are lonely nights when you see no hope
And you’re feeling short of breath
Like the whole damn world is a braided rope
In a noose around your neck

[Chorus]
Don’t kick the chair
It’s gonna get better
Don’t kick the chair
It can only get better

[Kid Cudi]
Yep yep you know
If I can make it through then you can to
Yep yep I’m good focus like always
Feels like I’ve been hit hit hit by ten brick walls
Some people like to just sit sit around and wait for you to fall
Then bounce back way quicker than you fell down
Laugh in their face like what
See nothing can break me
No no no no listen
If you gotta think twice about life
Something really ain’t right
You don’t need no help
You could be better all by yourself
You could be better all by yourself
You could be better all by yourself yeah
You could be better all by yourself ooh

[Chorus]
Don’t kick the chair
It’s gonna get better
Don’t kick the chair
It can only get better

Don’t kick the chair
It’s gonna get better
Don’t kick the chair
It can only get better

Read more: Dia Frampton – Don’t Kick The Chair Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Be Your Own Cheerleader: Write Letters of Encouragement to Yourself

Sometimes we have these days where everything that can go wrong, goes wrong, or where every thought that flutters around in our brain is this onslaught after onslaught of negativity that makes us feel like screaming or at least trying to run away from ourselves—I’ve tried it and surprise surprise, it doesn’t work.

I’ve discovered that I’ve been wasting a lot of time trying to find people who can support or encourage me.  The problem is that I don’t like telling people my problems because I don’t want to come off as someone who unloads on others and thus annoys them. People are really busy and the least of my intentions is to annoy people. This may not be a healthy way of thinking because I should be able to talk to my friends when things are dark and gloomy. Maybe it’s that fierce independent streak in me.

Image
At an ancient grave site in Seoul, Korea

What do I do instead? I social media the hell out of my social networks through posting interesting articles, liking other people’s posts, commenting, and so on in hopes that I might get attention from someone, but it never goes according to plan because being indirect doesn’t always work. The best approach is the direct approach, but as I said, I don’t feel comfortable enough bothering people with my problems. I have this thing where I don’t really believe it when people say that I can talk to them about anything. Although I want people to believe me when I say they can talk to me about anything. Weird. I know. And something I need to work on. So, sometimes I do social media with askew intentions, but other times I do it because I genuinely like sharing and reading other people’s information. I’m an information hoarder.

Anyway, I’ve found one outlet for when I have these darks days and need to get out of my mud of despair that actually works (and is less time consuming). It worked so well that I was able to finish the last 2500 words of my book in one sitting, which hardly ever happens. Usually I squeeze out 1000-1300 words because I’m one of those edit-as-she-writes writers, and two or three hours later I become exhausted writing and editing just 1300 words. Trust me, don’t be one of those writers if you write. Just write and edit later. This is another thing I’m working on. I’m actually editing right now as I write this post. Hopeless.

SO, what is this thing that I did that worked? Well, one night the frustrations of life weighed upon me—you know, the usual culprits reminding me of everything I lack in life for someone my age. Well, I sorta mentally slapped myself and opened a new document on Word. I then proceeded to write a letter of encouragement to myself.  I wrote about all the things that were right in my life, along with all the things that I had, which many people didn’t have. I also told myself to buck up because a great future waited for me. I was a woman with a mission, goals, dreams, and enough determination and inner motivation to get through the muck and mire of whatever is trying to stop me.

I may be a slow moving train, but I’m a train nonetheless so watch out obstacles, negativity, and excuses because you’re all about to be run over.

I read this letter to myself twice (and edited it even though it was for my eyes only) and felt so much better. Not just so much better for that night only, but for today too and I wrote the letter several nights ago. I don’t know why but maybe there’s something radical in making ourselves feel better. Being our own cheerleader, encouraging ourselves, and slapping out the stupid (mentally of course). We’re always being told that humans are social beings, and we need people to fulfill this or that, but as a single gal with a dash of lone wolf syndrome, it’s encouraging to know that I can help myself. I’m not saying that this should be a substitute for real people, but rather another thing we can add to help pick ourselves up.

So, whenever you’re in a deep slump, try writing a letter of encouragement to yourself. I’m curious to hear if this helps others too!

Stay amazing,

Sammy