I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to write about. I have an idea but it eludes me like everything else in my life. Love. Friends. Success. Happiness. I know the power to change my life lies within me, but sometimes it’s really hard and I simply want to give up. And by giving up, I mean just throwing myself into the Charles River and sinking to the bottom of it with rocks in my pockets. Who killed herself this way? Virginia Wolf, right? I’m just kidding, of course. I love life too much to do that. God, what I would give to get a plane ticket to San Diego so I could live there. Forever. My heart is no longer in Massachusetts. It has rocketed itself someplace else so I walk around heartless, searching for my heart. I search for it but I know where it is. I left it in San Diego when I went to go visit my cousin last month. I physically returned to Boston, but my heart stayed behind and now I feel broken, off balance, a zombie to be truthful.
I just want to press the reset button on my life but I don’t believe I can do it here. I’ve been thinking so much about leaving, but I don’t. My mother still keeps me here. How much do wings costs? I need a pair to get me where I need to go. I’m trying hard to keep positive. To work hard towards my goals. To focus my mind on useful things. Everything is meaningless. Just like the wise writer in Ecclesiastes said. Meaningless! A chasing after the wind. With nothing new under the sun. Meaningless wraps my life, my soul, my everyday. I can’t seem to shake it off. My brain is a scattered mess. There is no peace for this writer. I don’t believe in God anymore so I can’t turn to Him, and this fact saddens me. I can’t even pretend properly. I just feel emptiness. The void. I look into the void and it stares right back at me, consuming me in its chant of meaningless. A low, imperceptible hum that only the soul can hear.
I peel layers off of my mind to unveil my true self, but it scares me so I put the walls back up all around this disturbing core. Life never offers you the answers. You have to put forth all the energy and work to make solutions. Whatever part of my brain was destined to create solutions doesn’t work. I haven’t been able to come up with anything to battle this black hole sucking my soul away. It’s on my back so I don’t have to see it, but I know it’s there. I can feel it grow claws that clamp unto my skin, fragile and melting to a pool at my feet. My skin falls off everyday and I gather it with both hands to put it back on, but I never get it right.