Tag Archives: musings

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I’m not exactly sure what I’m supposed to write about. I have an idea but it eludes me like everything else in my life. Love. Friends. Success. Happiness. I know the power to change my life lies within me, but sometimes it’s really hard and I simply want to give up. And by giving up, I mean just throwing myself into the Charles River and sinking to the bottom of it with rocks in my pockets. Who killed herself this way? Virginia Wolf, right? I’m just kidding, of course. I love life too much to do that. God, what I would give to get a plane ticket to San Diego so I could live there. Forever. My heart is no longer in Massachusetts. It has rocketed itself someplace else so I walk around heartless, searching for my heart. I search for it but I know where it is. I left it in San Diego when I went to go visit my cousin last month. I physically returned to Boston, but my heart stayed behind and now I feel broken, off balance, a zombie to be truthful.

I just want to press the reset button on my life but I don’t believe I can do it here. I’ve been thinking so much about leaving, but I don’t. My mother still keeps me here. How much do wings costs? I need a pair to get me where I need to go. I’m trying hard to keep positive. To work hard towards my goals. To focus my mind on useful things. Everything is meaningless. Just like the wise writer in Ecclesiastes said. Meaningless! A chasing after the wind. With nothing new under the sun. Meaningless wraps my life, my soul, my everyday. I can’t seem to shake it off. My brain is a scattered mess. There is no peace for this writer. I don’t believe in God anymore so I can’t turn to Him, and this fact saddens me. I can’t even pretend properly. I just feel emptiness. The void. I look into the void and it stares right back at me, consuming me in its chant of meaningless. A low, imperceptible hum that only the soul can hear.

I peel layers off of my mind to unveil my true self, but it scares me so I put the walls back up all around this disturbing core. Life never offers you the answers. You have to put forth all the energy and work to make solutions. Whatever part of my brain was destined to create solutions doesn’t work. I haven’t been able to come up with anything to battle this black hole sucking my soul away. It’s on my back so I don’t have to see it, but I know it’s there. I can feel it grow claws that clamp unto my skin, fragile and melting to a pool at my feet. My skin falls off everyday and I gather it with both hands to put it back on, but I never get it right.

Stay amazing,

Sammy

Busan, Korea
Busan, Korea

Reset to Zero

I’m not exactly sure how I ended up here. I had imagined my life to be different, to be elsewhere right now. But life has a way of surprising you with detours when you least expect them, and you find yourself living in a hostel in downtown Boston instead of somewhere in Southern California. I’ve been madly craving the west coast for a while now, but I can’t seem to get myself there. And now I’ve decided to go to grad school here in Boston. As if I needed any more reason to endure another New England winter. My life is in a total flux, and only I can save myself from whatever impending doom awaits me before the fall semester. I’ve got only one hope now. My writing. I’ve written a book, and I think it’s good. I just hope I can get some agents to bite, just one person to give me a chance. That’s all I need, I believe, to propel myself forward to the future my heart desires. It won’t be easy, and I never for one second thought it would be…okay, I did once. When I had faith.

When I had faith, I thought the world would fall at my feet. I must have been delusional or something. I was delusional. Illogical. Naïve. And with eyes so bright that I was too blind to see myself stumbling down a dark hole of stupidity and failure. That’s one of the main reasons why I gave up my faith. I believed too much. I had limitless faith that God would help me as long as I did my part. Wrong. There’s no one there to do the extra 50% to my 100%. I had to do it all. 150% and then some.

I can understand why people would cling to their faith, however. It’s scary to accept that there’s no one out there beyond the sky looking out for you. That you’re all alone and that your life is left to chaos. Sometimes even random events. Nothing is for sure. And the only eternity you experience is death. But I’m not afraid of death. I know I’m made up of the stuff of the stars; that I’m made up of this earth. When I die, I simply return to where I began. And that’s okay. All I can do now while I’m alive is make the best of this life by loving my family, friends, others, and myself. And making a lasting change that benefits society in some way. That’s the meaning I have in life. The meaning I make.

The road stretches before me, beckoning, asking, “Where will you go?” I answer, forefinger pointing toward the horizon, “To where beauty lives.”

How about you? Where will you go?

san diego mountains
Mt. Woodson Trail, San Diego, CA

 

 

 

Stay amazing,

Sammy