Tag Archives: achievement

How to Win Against and Be Free From Your Worst Enemy: Your Inner Critic. Part II

Image courtesy of criminalatt at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of criminalatt at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Howdy Folks

Hope you all had a great weekend and had fun celebrating Mother’s Day with your lovely Mamas. I know I had a wonderful time with mine. 🙂

In part one of this series, I talked about how I was able to shut down my inner critic by identifying the fears giving my saboteur the ammo it needed to tear me down and keep me down. To quickly recap, the first two fears were fear of disappointing my parents and fear of rejection.

Today, I want to talk about the next fear supplying my inner critic: fear of others perceiving me as a failure. I’m taking time to talk about these fears because they are the root causes of most of the negativity in life.

By shifting the focus of our minds away from our fears and their illusions, we can adopt more self-affirming mindsets, ones that will help us move forward to achieving our goals, dreams, and ultimately, the visions we have for our lives.

3. Fear of others perceiving me as failure.

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I never liked being the sort of person who cared heavily about what others thought of her, but growing up, I was taught to be mindful of how others perceived me and making sure people had a highly favorable view of me in terms of my academics, manners, attitude, and work ethic.

It’s one of the reasons why I place a very high value on kindness. I easily fall for kind people. No, seriously. If you’re a kind person, I will love you. Guaranteed. Notice I said kind, not nice. Nice people scare me because I can’t shake off that they’re hiding some sinister secret or plan to hurt me some in way. But that’s another topic for next time.

Also, I can’t stand rudeness, and being around rude people makes me physically sick. It’s obvious in the lines on my forehead and the way my nose twitches as if I’ve just smelled rotten eggs and the way I blink repeatedly. If you’re a rude person, you’ll most likely never see me unless you change. If I sorta like you, I’ll let you know whether something you did was rude. If I don’t like you at all and you make an ass of yourself, I’ll just quickly make my exit because you should know better, especially if you’re an adult.

I’m also big on manners and proper etiquette for dining, meeting new people, working, navigating public spaces, and so on. I’m more relaxed when I’m around family and close friends, but I can be a bit of stiff and standoffish around strangers. That’s just part of my character as an introvert who needs to know a person better before trusting her or him or them. But I’m hoping I can learn to be more open to new people. Again, that’s another topic.

Now, all of this seems harmless and common sense even. Don’t be rude. Be kind. Work hard. Choose peace, not violence. However, as a kid growing up with very high expectations from family to succeed academically and career-wise, I warped this thinking into an incredibly unhealthy level.

I didn’t just want people to perceive me as good kid, but rather as the kid who was perfect in every way.

Photo cred: RYAN MCGUIRE
Photo cred: Ryan McGuire

Trying my hardest to be this perfect kid throughout middle, high school, and most of college really hurt me in emotional and mental ways, possibly triggering my depression and occasional thoughts of suicide. If people saw me as a failure, then, in my head, I wasn’t worthy in any way.

This fear of others perceiving me as a failure created an onslaught of negative images, thoughts, and dialogues in my mind; these destructive thoughts crippled me most of the time and made me feel worthless from time to time. These feelings of worthlessness stopped me from performing at my best and stunted my spiritual and emotional growth.

The truth was that my worth was not tied to how well I performed academically or professionally, or how well I pleased people with my behavior. Worth comes from within not from without. Until I realized my worth and the worth of my dreams and vision for my life, then I wouldn’t be free from the hell of living for other people’s approval. That was not how I wanted to live my one life here on this Earth.

So, in the face of all my failures trying to get my book published, not getting that high paying job I thought my impressive educational credentials would bring, and not getting into the PhD program I so desperately wanted, I’ve decided to keep fighting. To never give up working to achieve my dreams for a more stable, but predictable life or give in to the lies of my fears and my inner critic.

I absolutely refuse to follow a script prepared for me. I cannot. I have to go where I believe my instincts want me to go. It makes for a rather difficult, but satisfying life. Of course I have regrets, but I’m still pretty young and want to focus on moving forward. The process is where I want to be, not the past, and not even the future. This moment right now is what matters the most, writing this article and revealing one of my deepest fears.

I don’t believe I was put on this earth to blindly follow instructions made from another or from a previous time. I believe I have to create my own instructions with ingredients borrowed from my parents, siblings, extended family, friends, experiences, teachers, books, religions, philosophies, and even strangers I have met along the way.

Cause in the end, I'm just a bunny following her heart. Photo cred: Ryan McGuire
Cause in the end, I’m just a bunny following her heart. Photo cred: Ryan McGuire

This is how I live.

How about you? Have you ever had to deal with the fear of other people’s perceptions? Don’t be afraid and go ahead and share. I would love to hear your thoughts!

Stay amazing,

Sammy

If you found this article interesting or helpful, please share it with your family and friends!

Also, be sure to look out for my new e-book coming out soon: The Passionate Dreamer’s Notebook: For Those Who Refuse to Quit!

How I Write and Keep Motivated in the Face of Deep Discouragement: Part I

I feel you, Kitty. I feel you.

Sometimes I’m shocked at how much I’m able to create or write in the midst of all the crap I have to deal with it internally and externally: loneliness, family pressures, unfulfilling job, agent rejections, financial instability, depression, etc. I can’t count the number of times I’ve contemplated suicide or wanted to run away as far as possible from my life here in Boston. Or just give up on living abundantly and resign myself to the 9-5 slog of zombie walking. But I don’t. I don’t stop writing. I don’t stop creating. I never stop hoping for something more than the life I’m living. I keep going, sometimes even without motivation. Without discipline. Without anything. I keep going. How? I’m going to share with you four of the things I do to write and keep creating in the face of deep discouragement. In part two, which I will post soon, I’ll share the next four things that I do.

Getting things done like a boss.

1.) Write down goals for each week, month, and next six months, and follow the progress of these goals.

One of the ways that I make it through life when it feels like a total slump is to write down my goals for the week, month, and the next six months. Looking at my goals every days fuels my day with purpose and moves me to get things done even when I don’t feel like it. Writing down goals drags me out of the la la land of dreams toward reality. I love dreaming, but I don’t want to live in my dreams forever. I want to experience the reality of them coming true, and that happens with making goals that I work hard to achieve every day. Next, I always follow the progress of said goals to see how far I’ve come or how behind I am. Doing so makes me have an active relationship with my goals. They’re not simply words I write down and forget the next day. It doesn’t help to approach goal setting in a superficial, hollow manner. That’s why I use apps like Evernote to help organize my goals and progress so I can access them anywhere.

2.) Meditate every day for at least twenty minutes.

The second reason why I don’t burn my eyebrows off or have what should be my millionth nervous break down is meditation. I can’t stress enough how important meditation is to keeping sane. Those twenty minutes or more of silence, of getting away from the world and technology, just refreshes your batteries to take on whatever comes next. And there’s really no right way to meditate. You just need to sit still; you don’t need to do anything fancy like curl your fingers or cross your feet.

Now that’s my type of meditation. Via betterdoctor.com

And don’t worry if you start thinking about a bunch of things. Let your mind do its thing. When you’re ready, focus on one idea or focus on the darkness when you close your eyes. Listen to your breathing. Breathe deeply. Listen to one of the hundreds of meditation tunes on YouTube while you meditate to help set the mood. I personally love listening to traditional Native American songs while I meditate. I just fly away and forget everything. It’s perfect. I can’t go a day without mediation.

3.) Practice gratitude

Practicing gratitude goes hand in hand with my meditation. I always start my meditation by listing all the things that I’m grateful for. This exercise helps me put things in perspective. Instead of complaining of things I don’t have, I focus on the things I do have, and this chases away negative feelings that would otherwise occupy my mind. In the grand scheme of things, I’m quite blessed: I have a job, a warm place to live during this terrible winter, meals to eat, a loving family, and the function of my limbs and senses. That’s a lot more than a whole lot of people in the world. Practicing gratitude keeps me moving forward without steam.

4.) Don’t be too hard on myself if I fall short of my goals

I don’t always achieve all the weekly or monthly goals I set for myself. When I fall short on making something happen, I choose not to be too hard on myself because that can easily spiral into a vortex of negative thinking. Once caught in that vortex, I may not want to set goals again in order to avoid the awful feelings associated with failing. One of the worst things you can do is fear failure because it stops you from taking action, especially the kind of risky action that can give large returns. Instead of focusing on the things I didn’t achieve, I take stock of what I’ve succeeded in doing. This gives me a much-needed boost to keep going and get to the things I failed to achieve.

I used to think life was this terrible, sadistic monster that tried to trip me up any chance it got. But that picture of life was all wrong. There was nothing out there trying to destroy me or make me feel miserable. It was all in my head. Life is what I make it. Today, I’d like to think life responds to my mindset and actions. I’d like to believe life is something beautiful and I need to flow with it, not against it. I don’t need to fight, I need to create more than anything.

What about you? What are some things you do keep yourself creating or doing what you love in the face of discouragement? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Stay amazing,

Sammy

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The Secret to Making Your Dreams Come True Revealed!

When I was in the third grade, my teacher gave us an assignment in which we had to use the week’s spelling words to create a story. I wrote about a detective bunny rabbit that solved a very difficult case. I enjoyed the assignment tremendously and had a fun time making up the story.

I’ve got a mystery to solve!

The next day, while I was chatting with my friend during our snack break, my teacher, Ms. Bess, a very kind petite woman with long blond hair, called for everyone’s attention. Her next words would change my life forever. She said, “Everyone, listen to Carla’s story!”

I jumped at the mention of my name and my heart kept beating faster and faster as Ms. Bess read my story to the whole class. My classmates all clapped for me at the end and told me how much they liked it. I was elated and couldn’t wait to get home to tell my parents. My older cousin was visiting that day and she, along with my folks, complimented me.

It was one of the happiest days of my childhood.

child-laughing
OMG, you loved my story! Waaaah, so cool!

From then on, I set out to write more stories and read more books. I devoured the written word, allowing myself to be transported to different worlds while envying the power of these authors to share their stories and stir up so many different emotions inside of me. I wanted to be a writer. An author. A creator of worlds. It was my dream to share my stories with as many people as possible.

There is power in the pages of books.

At thirteen, hungry for powerful female characters, I embarked on the journey of writing my first novel. I called the book The Fusion Girls, a tale of three remarkable sisters who possessed a dangerous power capable of saving the world from an intergalactic threat. The title of my book changed from the Fusion Girls to the Elementals to The Daughters of Destiny to Truth and Destiny and then finally to Children of Tokua.

The story followed me throughout the rest of my adolescence and onwards to college to graduate school and now to my late twenties. It has changed so much since its conception that I’m not even sure how many times I’ve rewritten it while keeping the same core theme. The book has grown with me, reflecting my changes in attitudes, philosophies, and perspectives in life. What began as the dream of a thirteen-year-old tomboy had become one of the defining features of my life.

I call it passion, but I wouldn’t judge others who would call it insanity.

Set your imagination free.

I am in the final stages of closing this incredible chapter in my life. Although the characters are creations of my imagination, they have become something more, taking on lives of their own a long time ago.

They are my children, my siblings, and my friends—tenants forever taking up space in my head.

So, what is the secret to making dreams come true?

2 Things: Tenacity and a willingness to change.

These two cannot be underestimated nor ignored. If you really want to see your dreams come true, you must persevere against all odds, frustrations, negativity, rejections, and failures. Most of all you must face yourself, which is oftentimes your biggest enemy.

But none of that means anything if you aren’t willing to be flexible and change to find out what works and what doesn’t. It pays to be humble and acknowledge your mistakes, to learn from your failures and listen to wise counsel. With that you can move forward intelligently while believing that victory is yours. Because if you have tenacity and a willingness to adapt, you can accomplish anything. Anything.

Keep going, but keep going intelligently.

It’s been almost fifteen years since I first started writing with the hopes of becoming published. I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way, but I’ve learned so much and know how to move forward now. It’s only a matter of time before my dream is a reality. And when it is, you’ll be the first to know.

What about you? What do you think is the secret to making dreams come true? I’d love to hear your response!

Stay amazing,

Sammy

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It All Begins and Ends with the State of Your Mind

Hello Folks!

I never cease to be amazed by how much I’ve changed in the past five years. Before, I was painfully timid, insecure, and hopeless about my dreams and future direction in life. A decision to change and a fresh new perspective on my faith drastically turned things around, and now I’m on this inspiring journey to unlock my highest potential and purge negativity and needless suffering from my life. I also have more confidence and motivation to pursue my dreams without fear or self-doubts. And even when I have to endure life’s harsh reality, it hardly perturbs my laser focus on where I want to go and what I want to accomplish. Today, I want to share the first of seven things I’ve learned about unlocking potential. I hope these posts will serve as reminders for whenever we find ourselves lost and wandering, but never hopeless.

Image
via odewire.com

It all Begins and Ends with the State of Your Mind.

Before you dive into all the steps available out there to increase your productivity, maximize the output of your time, or even understand what you want to do with your life, you have to make sure your mind is in the right state to foster all those dreams, motivate you to act, and charge forward like an angry elephant when everything in life tries to push you back into mediocrity and boring existence. Several days ago, I started reading Overachievement by John Eliot, Ph.D. during my subway rides to work. I’m more than two-thirds done with the book, but already I’ve taken away substantial points he makes about what sets exceptional people apart from ordinary people; what the smart overachiever does over the burnt-out and zealous underachiever. I can’t reveal too much, but I’ll give you enough so you can read the book yourself. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, exceptional, highly successful people are able to reach their highest potential by possessing what Eliot calls the “Trusting Mindset” as opposed to the “Training Mindset” of the mediocre.  The “Trusting Mindset” is in the moment and pays no attention to judgment, second-guesses, criticism, over-analysis, rationality, result-orientation, or impatience. It’s not something as superficial as blocking out all these things that are ever present in your mind, but rather zeroing on what needs to be done right now without allowing the rational part of your mind to interfere and undermine the legitimacy of your actions.

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Patience, letting things happen, instincts, acceptance, playfulness, and an empty mind are some of the tenants of the “Trusting Mindset”. Ever notice that when reading a really good book, you are chin deep into the moment that when some unfortunate soul comes up to tap you on the shoulder from behind, you jump like you’ve just seen a zombie ready tear at your flesh, or in my case, I become a harpy and yell, “What do you want?” The “Trusting Mindset” is like that except you’re deep into whatever it is you’re doing to achieve your dreams, and anything that isn’t part of helping you get to your destination is irrelevant.

As you can guess, the “Training Mindset” is all about the components that the “Trusting Mindset” ignores as it achieves success. The “Training Mindset” has it place when you’re in school or going through the training you need to achieve your dreams, but when it’s time to perform you have to leave the “Training Mindset” behind and take hold of the “Trusting Mindset.”

There’s more. Eliot says exceptional people don’t put on many different suits for the many different occasions in life that come up. They have a mind focused on achieving whatever their dream may be no matter the obstacles, no matter what people say, no matter the number of failures, and no matter their external conditions—they have that scary confidence that they will make it. Again: I. Will. Make. It.

Another thing: exceptional people relish and utilize stress for their success. Not worry or anxiety, but stress: the butterflies in your stomach kind of stress; the high stakes; the numerous eyes on you, watching your every move; the feeling that your guts are boiling; the heartbeat in your throat; and your mind high and alert in the moment. This is not the time to get yourself relaxed and de-stressed, it’s time to go with the flow and act! It is exactly at this moment  that the “Trusting Mindset” is essential because the minute you lose yourself in analysis, results, being calm and rational, and double guessing, you fall and fall hard. 

Before I end on this segment, I also want to add a little of what Celestine Chua has to say from her amazing website, Personal Excellence, about your state of mind when achieving your dreams. One of her most important points is to channel your inner desires to motivate you rather than rely on external factors for motivation and inspiration. Sometimes you try to change your settings by moving from one place to another, or even leaving the country, but you still have the same problems you left behind in your previous location. It doesn’t work. No matter where you go, you can’t escape yourself. Or other times you force discipline into your life, think that if you get rid of your laziness, or even stop thinking negatively, you’ll achieve your goals or dreams. However, the steps you take to counter these problems are short-lived, and you eventually return back to where you started. You have to make an effort to understand the deeper meanings behind the culprits that cripple your actions and dreams or drown you in a negative mindset. Once you target the root of the problem instead of tackling surface obstacles, you can move on confidently to your destination. The big difference is now you move forward and act without feeling bored, unhappy, or worried because the purpose you’ve uncovered fuels your actions.

To end, just remember that the state of your mind can be your most powerful ally on the course to achieve your dreams, or, if you’re not careful and aware, it can be your greatest enemy.

How about you? How do you get your mind in the right state to achieve your dreams? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Stay Amazing,

Sammy