Where do you go for healing when what you once used to heal yourself no longer exists? This question has been harassing my mind since I lost my faith, my main source of self-healing. I’m trying to figure out whether I can still keep the parts that helped and let go of the parts that didn’t. I don’t know what that would look like, but I think I have an idea. Maybe I can run with it and find some answers. I’m considering Buddhism. I just need an outlet for all the negativity and hopelessness that life piles on day after day. A conduit or vacuum that can suck it all out and refresh my soul for a time before the next boost.
Sometimes I wish I hadn’t lost my faith. I could just let go all of my problems and leave them at God’s doorstep and let Him take care of it. The Psalms would give me solace in the darkest of times. However, despite it all, I feel and believe it was necessary for me to lose my faith to grow as a person. I’ve become more aware of who I am such as identifying my deepest fears and weaknesses. I see things in my character that faith use to keep me from noticing and understanding. And what’s the benefit of knowing thyself? Better interactions with people. Better decision-making for the future overall in many of the important aspects of life—career paths, relationships, and general attitude.
I think in some way I’m letting the bad things that happen just be sometimes. For instance, my bike was stolen at the hostel where I live and although I’m angry at myself for not locking it because I didn’t think anyone staying at a hostel would steal a bike, I told myself worrying and being sad about it wouldn’t bring it back. I’ve taken the necessary steps of alerting the front desk. If it comes back, it comes back. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. I’ll get a new bike in the future and learn from this mistake to prevent it from happening again. Be a better person. I want to take each bad thing that happens and turn it into something that can improve my life in the future. I don’t want to let any event cripple me in anger, sadness, or self blame. Life already sucks without me adding more negatives to it.
Until I can figure out what I need to do to address the spirituality hole left from my losing my faith, I can take comfort in one true thing: writing heals me too. Writing heals. Something about pouring out all my troubling thoughts in writing cleanses the pain and emotional gunk stuck in the gears of my heart. Once I write it down, I feel like I’m restarting again, capable of moving forward. It’s an understatement to say that writing saves my life everyday. It does in ways that I have yet to understand. Maybe that’s what makes me me.
How about you? How do you reboot your soul?