Where’s the Fast Forward Button on Life?

I remember this old Adam Sandler movie in which the MC found or was given a time-machine remote that allowed him to fast forward the bad parts of his life and essentially skip to the good parts where he was rich, successful, and supposedly happier. I’m not giving the film away when I say that all this skipping caused him problems and distress. Let’s just say he learned a valuable lesson. I’m in the middle of the lowest point in my life, and that time machine remote looks pretty tempting just about now.

It sucks when you do good things like graduate from a prestigious university and even get a Master’s degree at an Ivy League school, and it all amounts to very little in terms of securing a stable, full-time job. I don’t need to tell you the job market sucks. It’s abysmal and I’m doing everything I can right now not to bolt and live in another country. However, I’m very close to doing so. What’s stopping me? I don’t know. I guess I don’t want to endure another tirade from my parents telling me how selfish I am. I’m quite sensitive to verbal attacks on my character. It’s a weakness I need to overcome.

California or bust
California or bust

I applied to grad school (again), but not to escape unemployment. I have a genuine desire to get my PhD in Sociology. I want to do research and write on issues that press my heart and mind and teach at the college level. In the meantime, I’m stuck in the waiting room for the decisions concerning my applications. I’m applying to a variety of jobs so that I can have some money to help me move to wherever I’m doing my PhD. This job hunt is tearing apart my confidence and hope. I look at my resume and cover letters and they’re in tiptop shape. Very attractive, yet not to these potential employers I’m sending them to.

The only thing keeping me from suffering some sort of nervous breakdown as I live with my parents is writing. I’m almost done revising my sci-fi novel Children of Tokua. Once I get in those final edits, it’s query time. That’s another devastating adventure awaiting me, but I’m ready for it. I’ve been ready since I was thirteen years old. I’m so ready. Ready to live on my own. Make my own path. Meet new people. Create something for others and myself and receive compensation for it. I’m ready to live life.

I don’t know what I’m doing now, but it doesn’t feel like living. I’m in a deep, dark pit. I see the light above me. I claw my way up everyday but I keep slipping back into the hole, never getting out. I don’t expect anyone to throw me a rope to help me out. I don’t expect anyone to do anything. I’ve decided to live my life not expecting anything from anyone. I’d rather be surprised. In this hole, I suspect only God can save me, but that doesn’t mean I’m sitting down, doing nothing. I’m creating my own rope from the clothes on my back. I don’t know if it’ll work. But I’ve got to try. I’ve got to try something. Anything.

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