“If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.” ― Yann Martel, Life of Pi
“Doubts are the ants in the pants of faith. They keep it awake and moving.” ― Frederick Buechner
“Every mental act is composed of doubt and belief, but it is belief that is the positive, it is belief that sustains thought and holds the world together.” ― Søren Kierkegaard
“Life is doubt, And faith without doubt is nothing but death.” ― Miguel de Unamuno
Why am I posting all these quotes on doubt? I’ve been struggling with doubt lately, and quite frankly, it scares me. It’s not my desire to give in to the void, to give into to a world where there is no God. I don’t want to live in such a world. I would much rather kill myself now if I knew I existed in such a world. I don’t want to fall into the black, cold, and heartless void of nothing. To see life as a random event. To accept that the universe in all its glory, vastness, and complexity is also just a random event. It chills my bones, and grief overtakes me at the thought. Why live? Why struggle? Why run when the end of the race leads only to eternal death with nothing thereafter?
Death. I don’t want it to have the final say. I want it conquered. Eternal life. I don’t even know what that means but I do know I prefer it to eternal death.
I talked to God about my doubt. I told him I felt that He was in the process of abandoning me. I told him I was tired. Alone. Jaded. And worst, losing what I had once believed was a reserve of endless optimism. I have a whole blog dedicated to uplifting and encouraging the soul, but sometimes I feel nothing I try can win.
I ask God what I’ve done wrong? Tell me how to make it right. I get a response in my heart that surprises me. It has nothing to do with right or wrong, but rather it has everything to do with character. At the end of this dark period in my life, who will I be? A woman who has given up on her faith because it was too hard, or a woman who has acknowledged her weakness and chose to persevere, coming out with more strength she never knew existed?
I want to be the latter. I see myself as the latter. I know it so deeply in my heart. I still believe in God. My soul cries in anguish but hope lives on even if it’s small. I won’t give up. But in the midst of pushing myself, I need to find my joy because somehow I’ve lost it. Maybe it’s not that I have to find it. Maybe I just have to create it again. Yes, this is what I have to do.
How about you? What experience do you have with doubt? Please do share.